See how I take a meme that absolutely everyone is sick of and use it as a subject line? Yeah. I went there.
For the most part, I just felt the need to check in. I haven’t written anything in a long while. I want to go back over my summer checklist and see what I got done – hell, we’re already into October and I haven’t checked that. Sad days. I wish I could say that I’ve been busy… and actually, I guess I can say that. I’ve been busier than I let on, even to myself. However, not so busy that I couldn’t take five minutes to write in this damn thing every now and again. Maybe Twitter’s poisoned my mind – maybe I’m only really living life 140 characters at a time.
That right there… that’s pretty fucking ridiculous. Forget I said that.
So, Jackie and I have come upon some hard times lately. It wouldn’t be so bad, except for I think my ability to have hope is wearing pretty thin. Coming in November is my year anniversary of being laid off. This wouldn’t be so bad if I already had a full-time job. However… I still don’t. Fact is, I’ve been too naive, gullible, stubborn – hell, any of a number of negative adjectives – about my situation. I could have a job already; I’m pretty sure of this. I haven’t given the job hunt my undivided attention EVER in this past year. Mostly because of a twisted sense of hope, and the illusion of loyalty.
That L-word is a tough one to wrap my brain around, and it’s the biggest bitch of them all to deal with. It’s what got me back in the doors of my former (and current) employer. (Someone essentially felt a small shred of loyalty to me and made sure to get me back in the door.) It’s what keeps me working so hard to try to impress someone – ANYONE. (For what that’s worth, it seems I have been impressing people – even the right people – and still nothing pays off.) And it’s what’s kept me around even after I’ve essentially been told there’s no real place for me. (It’s a mindtrip when you work for someone you consider one of your best friends in a friendless town.) It’s something I can’t shut off, and there have been so many instances this past year where I wish I could. When I should have. My willpower just isn’t what it used to be, I guess.
Not that things even seem to be completely bleak. If there’s something that I like to think has rubbed off on Jackie, it’s that we strive to stay positive; to realize that things could be so much worse. Also to realize that we really do have more control over our situation than it might seem. And no matter what – we have each other.
To be honest, I need to stop waiting around on a position that’s never going to open up, regardless of if our cluster gets bought out or stays under it’s current corporate umbrella. I need to stop stalling and start looking. And then the hardest part – I need to start putting myself first and stop worrying about how much it’ll fuck over a friend if I leave. Maybe I’m a little egomaniacal about that last part, but I have been told repeatedly that I’m a pretty key person in the current lineup of how things work… which is fine, if I were being compensated appropriately.
It sucks to even think about, but these are dire times. I mean… it’s getting down to where we have to worry whether or not we’ll have money to buy basic groceries every couple of weeks. I have to seriously think about giving our cat away because we can’t afford to get her fixed, much less keep buying food and litter for much longer. I’ve cut out every possible extra thing from my budget, and I’m starting to mentally note what things I can sell in a pinch if we run into some kind of emergency. This isn’t normal behavior.
Fuck, reading back over this quick – am I bipolar? Maybe just expressively. Up, down, up, down. I promise, I’m not really this moody in real life. Unless I’m at dart league.
So, long story short – I need to stop putting faith in other people to help me get a full-time job in my current company (I had to put faith in others – I was doing everything I possibly could for myself) and use my many skills to get a job somewhere else.
Then again, there’s the whole transportation situation… dammit, I don’t even want to go into that right now. That’s another gripe for another night.
Another night.
