I have never had the ending of a relationship cause this much pain, sadness, and regret; especially this long after the fact. I am assuming it is because I have never experienced a love like this, so the aftermath is uncharted territory. Just when I think I have moved on, I am over it…somehow, some way, she finds her way back into my consciousness.
Last summer I pursued reconciliation hard, very hard. Probably too hard to be honest. Looking back on it, I should have known it was not going to work. I was selling myself to her and trying to convince her that it was a good idea, when she wasn’t all the way into it. I could tell she had reservations.
It has been several years since we broke up and I have not seriously dated anyone since. I am obviously comparing everyone and everything to her, and nothing stands up to that special thing that we had. Maybe that isn’t fair. Maybe I am setting myself up for failure. I can’t help it though. I am not trying to do these things, it just happens. It is how I feel.
Perhaps I am romanticizing things and ignoring the bad. The truth is until the end, there was very little bad. We didn’t fight, we spent tons of time together and didn’t like to be apart. There were times where I would leave her house late at night, and as soon as I got home she would want me to come back so I would drive the 20 minutes back to her house just to be with her.
She has a son that I absolutely love to death. She told me this weekend that I am the only guy that she has dated that he has ever liked. This kid is amazing, and I love spending time with him. Last summer I watched him a few times and we had a blast. we went to the beach, hung out at my house, went out to eat, and his favorite, went to the mall. I don’t know if it is because I grew up with a single mom that i gravitate towards him so much, but him coming into my life with his mom was one of the best things to happen to me. I want him to be a part of my life just as bad as I want her to be also.
It is my fault that it ended. I was not completely honest because I was scared, even though had I been honest, we may have been able to work it out. The fact that I did all of these amazing things and built myself up to be this great guy and then let her down had to be devastating, and I get that. How does she know that everything isn’t a lie? How could I be trusted?
I don’t have the answer to all of these questions. All I can do is hope that one day, just maybe I will get lucky and she will feel like she can trust me again. She tells me that she loves me, and I know that it is true, but unfortunately sometimes love just isn’t enough. I am not intentionally staying single to wait for her, but I believe that everything happens for a reason, and you just have to go along with the flow.
What is to be, will be. She knows that I love her, and always will, and that is the important thing, and all that really matters.